I am... Theo Walcott

Yes, I know you're wondering how did he do that but if I told you I'd have to kill you. Yesterday was another night of football/scoccer and found me on my best form of the year so far. I scored a record breaking 13 goals in the evening including 2 hat tricks and the final game winning goal. Coupled with some great defensive play and the usual array of jinking runs and sublime ball control I was unstoppable.

I put it all down to the large chocolate chip cookie I ate from the vending machine before playing. Andy questioned my methods beforehand but he soon came to understand the power of the cookie.

Andy and Keenie caused a bit of a ruckus with their strong tackling, which a couple of the Canadian players, including Coach had a bit of a problem with. I don't know what they were moaning about, they were completely fair challenges.

I was scoring goals for fun, just like Theo Walcott... Hang on, he hasn't scored any goals this season for Arsenal and yet is still in the England World Cup squad.

Ring, ring. Hang on it's my phone again.
Me: Hello.
Sven: Hi Paul, its me Sven. How are you?
Me: Good Sven. What can I do for you?
Sven: I've changed my mind about the England squad. I want you and your friends to come and play instead.
Paul: OK Sven. We'll see you soon.